4 Steps to Flawless Feedback: Dialogue and Defense

Feedback is the primary tool we use to help bring more awareness to our dialogue.

As far back as Norbert Wiener’s pioneering work on computation systems in the 1950’s, feedback was a critical topic. It was defined as the ability of a machine to use the results of its own performance as self-regulating information so as to adjust itself as part of an on-going process.

Feedback can be uncomfortable and can create intense internal conflict when our manufactured self image confronts the reality of how we are perceived by others.

Commonly, our first response to this internal conflict is to explain how our behavior has been misinterpreted. If we can just get others to “understand,” we will have peace and our self-image is defended. Defensiveness is often our response to feedback.

Overview Strategy for Receiving Feedback

When receiving feedback we need to confront the ego’s natural tendency to defend itself.

1. Develop your inner observer by noticing your reactions to feedback. One technique to consider is consciously “splitting your mind.” One part of your mind is devoted to observing your behavior while the other part is engaging in the behavior.
2. Resist the powerful urge to explain yourself. “Well the reason that I did that was because. . .,” “That was because I . . ..” Explanations cut-off further feedback, they are interpreted as statements that you are not ready to hear anymore.
3. Become a sponge. Silently absorb the comments using facial gestures and nodding of the head to acknowledge the feedback. Ask questions for understanding but do not comment upon the feedback. Simply absorb it all.
4. Work to accept the feedback as possibly correct. Use the 1% rule (assume that all of the feedback is at least partially true, at least 1%). Often others can see us better than we can see ourselves. 

Feedback provides a powerful basis for improving skills and gives new insight.